Friday, May 8, 2009

Read a Sentence and You'll be my BFF

So I'm pretty excited about this.

See, he's specifically asking for YA SF. And I'm specifically working on a YA SF (it's a murder mystery--set in space! That's so my working title for it, punctuation and all.)

The contest asks for a one sentence pitch--he will select a winner based on that pitch.

Here's my original:
After a teen girl wakes up early from cryogenic freezing, she must work with the future leader of the space ship to find the person who is unplugging (and thereby killing) the other cryogenically frozen people...before her parents are unplugged.

I think it's too long--and I'm worried the second character is distracting from the main plot.

So how about this as a revision:
After a teen girl wakes up early from cryogenic freezing, she must stop whoever is unplugging (and thereby killing) the other cryogenically frozen people...before her parents are unplugged.

Which is better? Any suggestions for improvement?

21 comments:

Shannon Morgan said...

Your instincts are sound -- your revision is clear and to the point. You might consider coming up with a term for the cryogenically frozen people (cryo-clients? cryo-citizens? do you already have a term in your book?) just to avoid using "cryogenic" and a version of "frozen" twice each.

christine M said...

The second sentence is clear and to the point. I like it.

Laura Renegar said...

How 'bout this:
After a teen girl wakes up early from cryogenic freezing, she must stop whoever is unplugging (and thereby killing) the others...before her parents are unplugged.

If you could think of a different word for unplugged, that would be a bonus. :) Good luck.

PJ Hoover said...

A teen girl wakes up years early from cryogenic freezing only to discover a murderer loose on her space ship.

I typed it with the addition of the parents and then too it out' is this really relevant? I think knowing there is a murderer is enough. She will need to stop the murderer, no matter who is frozen. Also, I wonder if the addition of the parents will not sounds "kid"-ish enough in a one sentence pitch. I'm sure in your story it will work fine, but in the pitch it may convey the wrong sense of the novel.
Also, if you keep the unplugging part, I think the (and thereby killing) part isn't necessary. I think this will be assumed.
i'd get the word murderer in there.

Anonymous said...

After a teen girl wakes up early from cryogenic freezing, she must stop whoever is unplugging (and thereby killing) the other cryogenically frozen people...before her parents are unplugged.

You have a great sentence here however I suggest the following, you want to pull them in wanting more and your so on the right track!

A teen girl wakes up from cyrogenic freezing when she discovers someone is unplugging anyone at will, killing them in the process, and her parents are next.

Something like that maybe? Brighter words like discovers add more color to text, just my personal opinion though! Good luck! I wished he was seeking adult fantasy then I'd be doing the same thing!

Unknown said...

How about something like this:

A teen girl wakes from her cryogenic hibernation only to discover a murderous plot against the inhabitants of her space ship, and she must solve the mystery or her parents are next.

Tana said...

I like the second. Maybe the first could be paired down?

Steph said...

I like PJ Hoover's version - it's more, how do I put this?!, enticingly worded, I think.

Steph

Unknown said...

"Stasis" is another option for cryogenic freezing. Just FYI. I really like the story. I'm thinking you need to tell us her name. Something like this:

Sixteen-year old "June" woke up early from cryo-stasis on her space-ship Enterprise, to discover that someone is murdering the other inhabitants by disconnecting their stasis pods, and her parents are next.

Kate said...

I like Sara Tribble's version :)

Unknown said...

I like the sentence, but I think you should change the second "cryogenically frozen" to simply "the others" or something along those lines. Also, I think you should add something about the location being a space ship. (I think the confined location is an interesting story point.)

Trapped on a ship sailing through space, a teen girl wakes up early from cryogenic freezing and must stop whoever is unplugging (and thereby killing) the others ...before her parents are unplugged.

Joyce Wolfley said...

I would use your MC's name instead of teen girl. It's YA...teen girl is implied.

Trisha Pearson said...

The 2nd sentence is definitely more clear. I think it's a great one sentence pitch. Great job Beth!

Casey Something said...

I would also put the name and age. I don't think this is better than what others have suggested, but here is another take on the sentence.

After X-year-old Y wakes up early from cryogenic freezing, she must stop whoever is pulling the plug on the other cryopreserved… before her parents are next.

Good luck, Beth!

Vanessa said...

I like PJ Hoover's version!

PurpleClover said...

I LOVE the second version. What if you said something like

she must stop whomever is killing the others in their cryo-sleep...before her parents are unplugged.

That way you still say "unplugged" but don't repeat it (redundant). Don't forget that if it is one person it is "whomever is" and if it's a group "whoever are" ...umm I think. haha.

Vivian Mahoney said...

If you work on a combo of PJ's and Michelle's and also add in the age and name as Casey suggested, you're good to go. Hook. Identifying story as YA. And you'll make the agent wonder about character X, if you've got the right hook.

Robyn Campbell said...

I vote for P.J.'s,it seems more of what they're wanting.

Hey, are you going to Art Fest? I'm going before our crit group meeting. :)

Unknown said...

WOW!! Thanks everyone! I am going to go through these carefully and work on this tonight! I'll keep you all posted--thank you SO MUCH!

Heather Zundel said...

Haha, a little late, but I am going to echo several suggestions. I really like the idea of adding the name/age instead of "teen girl" and PJ's suggestions are spot on, I think. The funny thing is, I didn't even know it was PJ's until people started saying they liked hers, and I'm like "Woah! It is PJ. Rock on!" You have a great foundation. I think you are going to do amazing. And that's not just because I love the idea of your story. Go knock em' dead.

Danyelle L. said...

I vote for PJs. Very nice! Good luck!