I've been working on a pitch for my new novel,
The Amnesia Door. I think this one is too long, but I don't know how to shorten it! (Also: I wish I could figure out how to write a pitch without ellipses. It reminds me of that Robot Chicken episode featuring M. Night Shamalyan where he keeps popping up and shouting "What a tweest!")
In order for a normal fifteen-year-old girl to help her magical teacher, she must break the enchanted door that traps her teacher inside her own classroom and erases all the students' memories of magic...even if saving her teacher means the girl will never have magic of her own.
EDITED: After suggestions, here's a new pitch:
Fifteen-year-old Belle is bored with her normal life—until she meets her new English teacher, a witch trapped in her own classroom behind a magical door that erases the students' memories of her and of magic.
6 comments:
I don't think it's too long.
But, I read it a few times, and the part here is confusing:
she must break the enchanted door that traps her teacher inside her own classroom and erases all the students' memories of magic...
1) Enchanted door traps her teacher inside her own classroom. (Got this)
2) Enchanted door erases all the students' memories of magic. (had to read the pitch a few times and actually break apart the sentence in this way to understand it).
Hmmm. Just trying out:
she must break the enchanted door which traps her teacher and erases magic from the mind's of the students...
I think the "inside her own classroom" part could go, shortening it, and also making the enchanted door tie to the erasing students' memories better.
Hope you don't mind the opinion, but you did post it!
Like PJ I don't really think it's too long - but I think some things could be cleared up a little.
Fifteen-year-old girl must rescue her magical teacher, who is trapped in her own classroom behind an enchanted door. But if she does this she will never have magic of her own.
It's not great - but it eliminates the ellipses and is maybe a little clearer. Of course I don't know the story beyond the pitch (sounds like an intriguing story by the way, I'd like the chance to read it someday) so I may be completely off.
Actually I guess what I did was eliminate the part about the door erasing the students memory of magic. Without knowing the story I don't know how essential that is to the pitch itself.
Anyway - just some thoughts. Hope it helps. I know pitches are so hard to write!
THANK YOU BOTH!!! I am really grateful that you took the time to help me :) Those are both great ideas...I'm going to go eat breakfast and get some caffeine in me, then tackle that pitch sentence again :)
I like the premise. :) Let me toy around with this one. I work slow. :)
I re-worked the beginning a bit.
Fifteen-year-old Belle is fed up with her normal life—until school starts and she meets her new English teacher, a witch trapped behind her own magical classroom door...
Now, for the end.. and if Belle opens the door, all memories and magic disappear forever.
Hope this helps.
Hmmm... I really like that last part, but it doesn't actually fit with the story...I'm going to have to play around with this! THANK YOU for the help!!
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