Friday, December 19, 2008

Pitch Opportunity

BookEnds is giving a great gift to its blog readers: a chance to have your pitch critiqued by the agents. Go sign up for it now! And, for the curious, here's my latest revision of my own pitch (edited first sentences):

Belle Ravenna thought starting eighth grade meant change. Maybe class bully Ashleigh would move on to another victim, gorgeous Matt would finally notice her, or, at the very least, she’d make some real friends. But of all the changes Belle hoped for, she never dreamed of how much she would change after discovering that her new English teacher was a witch.

Magical Ms. Wendt may be able to have Sophocles as a guest speaker, but she can’t escape the prison of her own classroom. Trapped behind an enchanted blue door that alters her students’ memories of magic, Ms. Wendt has little hope of rescue—although Belle and her classmates want to help their teacher, they only recall her imprisonment within the classroom. When the new science teacher introduces the kids to alchemy, Belle thinks that may be the key to saving Ms. Wendt. The more Belle learns about alchemy, though, the more she suspect that her science teacher wants to use it to steal Ms. Wendt’s magic…and if she helps, she’ll get some of that magic for her own. Caught between one teacher who wants freedom and another who wants magic, Belle must choose between fighting for what she thinks is right and taking what she knows she wants.

Based loosely on the Greek myth of Bellerophon, The Amnesia Door is a 70k word MG novel intended for tween girls.


Bowman said...

I don't have much time, but I want to point out something.

Your first paragraph reads like this: "would mean change," "would move on," "would at least notice," "she’d," etc.

With all these "would's," does "is a witch" fit in? Should it read "would be a witch"?

I don't know, but I've got to run. Good luck/skill/prayer!

Bowman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bowman said...

Yes, I deleted a comment. Haste makes waste.

Anyway (typing like madness), I think your book has great potential, and I agree with Susan when she referred to your "kind honesty."


Unknown said...

No worries Susan!

And Justus--you're absolutely right. I just re-did that first paragraph, and it sounds very rough. I will have to revise--thanks for the suggestions!!

Michelle D. Argyle said...

Wow! Great pitch. :) I'm intrigued, and this stuff doesn't usually interest me! You must be a great writer. :)

Angela Ackerman said...

Thanks for posting this--I put my pitch up just for giggles. I'd love feedback on it. You're awesome!

Unknown said...

Glamis--Thanks! :) I hope the agents I submit to later think the same way!!

Angela--Feedback would be awesome. Maybe after Christmas we could all switch pitches and comment on them here?

Also--I've updated my pitch with a new first couple of sentences (thanks again, Justus!)

PJ Hoover said...

Hey Beth! Do you want to limit your audience by saying tween girls? I think boys will totally enjoy the story, too.
And I've even question whether you need the first paragraph at all. Just a thought.
This would just be such a catchy first sentence of a pitch:
Magical Ms. Wendt may be able to have Sophocles as a guest speaker, but she can’t escape the prison of her own classroom.