Friday, May 8, 2009

Read a Sentence and You'll be my BFF

So I'm pretty excited about this.

See, he's specifically asking for YA SF. And I'm specifically working on a YA SF (it's a murder mystery--set in space! That's so my working title for it, punctuation and all.)

The contest asks for a one sentence pitch--he will select a winner based on that pitch.

Here's my original:
After a teen girl wakes up early from cryogenic freezing, she must work with the future leader of the space ship to find the person who is unplugging (and thereby killing) the other cryogenically frozen people...before her parents are unplugged.

I think it's too long--and I'm worried the second character is distracting from the main plot.

So how about this as a revision:
After a teen girl wakes up early from cryogenic freezing, she must stop whoever is unplugging (and thereby killing) the other cryogenically frozen people...before her parents are unplugged.

Which is better? Any suggestions for improvement?
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