Saturday, August 1, 2009

Critique Session #6

YA Science Fiction
Abby Annis

Dear Ms. Revis,

On your blog, you expressed an interest in queries to critique, so I'm hoping my novel, EMBROL, will appeal to you.

Every teenage girl likes to think she’s the center of the universe. Eighteen-year-old Olivia Ryan is about to find out she really is.

Just six more months of the torture better known as high school, and Olivia can finally choose how she lives her life. But after her mother’s sudden death, her only concern is getting through each day.

When Jack Ellis—the infuriatingly gorgeous boy responsible for the car accident that took her mother’s life—declares she’s an alien from the planet Hielos and the only hope for saving the universe, Olivia’s convinced he’s crazy. Despite desperately wanting to hate him and ignore the unearthly pull she feels to him, her mother’s journal confirms his claims.

Olivia fights to resume her normal, boring life, but the appearance of a rogue Hielosian, bent on world domination, forces her to embrace her alien powers. To protect Earth, the universe, and everyone she loves, Olivia must learn to trust Jack and accept she can be the superhero the world needs her to be.

EMBROL is a work of young adult science fiction, complete at 88,000 words.

I am a worker bee at a magical place full of plants and flowers, and I derive creativity from my surroundings. If you are interested, I’d be happy to forward the complete manuscript to you. Per your submission guidelines, I have included the first 250 words in the body of this email.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Abby Annis

First 250 Words:

Boring. Monotonous. Mind-numbing. There isn’t a word strong enough to describe my classes. With only two weeks until winter break, everything was a review for finals. Herr Davis droned on forever about the importance of the German language in history. I rested my head against my palm and struggled to keep my eyes open.


I turned to the boy sitting next to me in the passenger seat. His golden hair hung in curly layers to just below his ears, and his eyes were the palest blue I’d ever seen. My lips turned up at his perfect face. He smiled back at me.

I opened my mouth to ask him who he was, but my subconscious whispered I already knew the answer. If I could just remember.

“Olivia. I’m sorry.” Pain flashed in his eyes.

“Why--” I choked on my words as a truck slammed into his side of the car, triggering an alarm.

My eyes flew open, and I lifted my head, wiping the corner of my mouth. I glanced around at the other students as they filed out of the room. No one appeared to notice me slobbering all over my desk. Stupid dream.

I gathered my things and walked outside, stopping a few feet from my locker. Trevor and Mark stood there, wearing ridiculous grins. Do they have to do this every year? I sighed. Might as well get it over with.
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