tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7164206822403278866.post6394146052167398894..comments2024-02-27T07:05:52.851-05:00Comments on Beth Revis: Is This Better?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7164206822403278866.post-42451817458775044372009-05-10T07:39:00.000-04:002009-05-10T07:39:00.000-04:00I like it...wonder if you need the word "trapped" ...I like it...wonder if you need the word "trapped" because they are "on a spaceship" and "sleepers" so we already have a sense of their helplessness and isolation.<br /><br />Sounds like an exciting read!Angelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14741384161639818654noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7164206822403278866.post-87670032892750038202009-05-09T22:15:00.000-04:002009-05-09T22:15:00.000-04:00I love it. You nailed it!I love it. You nailed it!Tanahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10518718614911804428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7164206822403278866.post-81073222745434751632009-05-09T22:14:00.000-04:002009-05-09T22:14:00.000-04:00PS, Kat: Normally, I'd agree with you, but for thi...PS, Kat: Normally, I'd agree with you, but for this contest, the winning example they gave specifically used the "blank-year-old name" format.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7164206822403278866.post-90519473919824607042009-05-09T21:35:00.000-04:002009-05-09T21:35:00.000-04:00Yes, I think I would go with PJ's too. Not even s...Yes, I think I would go with PJ's too. Not even sure you need "decades." Does it matter how early?Corey Schwartzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03883689227283545602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7164206822403278866.post-23839157297040129612009-05-09T20:27:00.000-04:002009-05-09T20:27:00.000-04:00OK, seriously--I may have to start paying you, PJ!...OK, seriously--I may have to start paying you, PJ! You always have the best suggestions!<br /><br />Thanks everyone for the help!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7164206822403278866.post-52510558437782007432009-05-09T20:17:00.000-04:002009-05-09T20:17:00.000-04:00Ditto on what Cat said! But I' also reword to elim...Ditto on what Cat said! But I' also reword to eliminate two different lengths on time. Maybe decades. Also maybe go with "a" instead of "the". Little, I know.<br /><br />Seventeen-year-old Amy wakes up decades early from cryostasis and must stop a murderer from killing the other frozens trapped on the space ship before her parents are unplugged.PJ Hooverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02602205868934777662noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7164206822403278866.post-60664860124547368472009-05-09T18:32:00.001-04:002009-05-09T18:32:00.001-04:00This is a very helpful place: http://edittorrent.b...This is a very helpful place: http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/2009/04/log-line-pitches-or-how-to-tweet-your.html<br /><br />I like, but it doesn't have the same expediency the earlier draft did. I also like Kat's idea about keeping the murderer genderless.<br /><br />Maybe, and I warn you my brain is broken: After waking up fifty years earlier than planned, Amy discovers that someone has been killing her ship mates and must find the murderer before her parents are unplugged.<br /><br />Hmmm.<br /><br />Waking up fifty years early saved Amy's life, but now it's up to her to find out who's been unplugging her ship mates or her parents might be next.<br /><br />*pokes brain with a dull pencil*Danyelle L.https://www.blogger.com/profile/10366276085080565870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7164206822403278866.post-88174482174752691392009-05-09T18:32:00.000-04:002009-05-09T18:32:00.000-04:00It's hard to include everything without it soundin...It's hard to include everything without it sounding like a run on. :) Here is another suggestion...lol. As if you need anymore!<br /><br />By the way, if your story is in present tense, keep the sentence in present tense...if it's in past...change it to "woke" instead of "wakes"...and so on. <br /><br />Seventeen-year-old Amy wakes up from cryo-stasis to find that there is a murderer on board the space ship and she must stop whomever is killing the other sleepers before they get to her parents.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7164206822403278866.post-18818715357383270872009-05-09T18:04:00.000-04:002009-05-09T18:04:00.000-04:00I like it! I do think you should change the last p...I like it! I do think you should change the last part to "before her parents are unplugged" instead of "he unplugs her parents". The gender-less murderer is much more entertaining- the "he" gives us too much identity up front (if that makes sense?)<br /><br />And I know a lot of people pushed for the "x-year old Name..." thing, but I think it works better as "a teen girl". In a single sentence pitch age and name are a bit too specific. Check out <br />http://www.castingthebones.com/?p=217 <br />for some other great tips on log lines.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07615258719942916382noreply@blogger.com